Denise the brave

Sarah Knaggs meets Agony Aunt Denise Robertson, who opens up about bereavement and her continuing desire to help others overcome their losses...

With her soft voice, homely charm and straightforward, common sense advice, Denise Robertson has become one of the UK's favourite and most-respected Agony Aunts. She is known to millions as a relationships expert, largely thanks to her regular appearances on ITV1's popular daytime show This Morning, following stints on BBC Breakfast Time and Open Air with Eamon Holmes.

Widowed twice, and happy to talk about how she learned to move on with her life, Denise recently celebrated the release of her latest novel, The Bad Sister - a story about the hurt and pain caused by sibling rivalry and jealousy. Her writing career began back in the 1960s when she submitted short pieces to Alan Ayckbourne's BBC radio programme. She progressed to writing radio plays and won critical acclaim, but just as success beckoned, her family suffered three tragic losses.

The deaths of Denise's sister and mother were closely followed by the bombshell that her husband had terminal cancer. He died six months later in 1972, leaving her to care for their young son as well as coming to terms with her own grief. It took a long time, but she eventually found the strength to move on and enjoyed a second happy marriage, going on to have another four children.

Personal experience has taught Denise many valuable lessons and using her knowledge to help others is a project she continues to find deeply rewarding. Although cagey about her age, simply describing herself as "extremely old" in her endearingly warm manner, the talented wordsmith, broadcaster and devoted matriarch recalls some difficult times. "I was born in Sunderland and I've never lived more than five miles away from the place I was born, although I've worked in the South for the past 30 years," she explains. "I'm Sunderland born and bred. I'm still here and I still care about my local community.

"I've got five sons, eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. My family bring me a great deal of joy and I count my blessings, I'm a very lucky woman."

Unfortunately, things haven't always been as good for Denise: "I've been widowed twice - once in my 30s and again ten years ago. You think you'll never recover, but it's rather like seeing a dead plant in the ground, then you notice there's a tiny amount of green which you thought wasn't there. By the next spring there's a plant - it's like that.

"The first time, I thought the world had come to an end, so when I had moments of happiness, I felt guilty. "I had a little boy and often watched TV with him. There was a clown on Blue Peter and he made me laugh, but the guilt of laughing made me get up and go into the kitchen. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I thought 'what kind of monster are you? You're laughing when your partner has gone.' But I came to realise life reasserts itself and you can be happy again - it just takes time.

"One of the nice things about my job is I've been able to explain that to thousands of people who thought sadness was all they had. It's been wonderful being able to help in that way - it's brought me endless satisfaction.

"I wrote a novel about being a widow and 20 years on, I'm getting letters from readers who say it saved their sanity. I told the truth in it about the crazy things which go through your mind and it seems to have given hope to a lot of people. I'm robably proudest of that more than anything else."

Thankfully, something Denise hasn't experienced is he bereavement of one of her offspring, but having witnessed it, she has great respect for the strength of character it takes to survive such a loss. "People who lose a child face an even greater struggle than those grieving for a parent, partner or sibling because it goes against the laws of nature - you don't expect, not even for a second, that you'll have to bury your own child.

"I went to Africa for World Vision at the end of 2004 and I met a grandmother who had 17 of her children and grandkids buried in her garden - all of them had died of Aids-related illnesses. I struggled to try to explain to her that she'd smile again one day."

Denise has obviously been greatly affected by what she has witnessed during her work for World Vision, but she is quick to point out the positives of her visit. "To lift everyone's spirits, I have to explain about all of the good things I saw happening in Africa as well. I saw the building of schools, education about preventing the spread of Aids, and the emancipation of women."

Back in the UK, she's as busy as ever, commuting between home and work in the capital, supporting her devoted third husband (the childhood sweetheart she didn't see for 43 years) and her beloved sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren - and not forgetting the trio of rescue dogs she's clearly besotted with.

She has an abundance of compassion and empathy for others, and is deeply committed to helping in any way she can.

Rewardingly, her profile has given her the chance to raise awareness and funds for numerous appeals, including the 36 charities of which she is patron; all of them never far from her thoughts.

"The first time, I thought the world had come to an end, so when I had moments of happiness, I felt guilty." in: Denise Robertson says she is a 'very lucky woman' to have five sons, eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren who bring her 'a great deal of joy'. Picture: Copyright Granada Television Left: Denise married her former childhood sweetheart Bryan Thubron in 1997, they were reunited after 43 years apart.