Dealing with grief

The death of a loved one brings a sadness that only abates with time. Emma Pomfret speaks to one woman whose own loss inspired her to write a book on how to cope.

Kate Boydell, 41, was widowed in 1998 after nine years of marriage to her beloved husband Charlie, who died of heart failure at the age of 37, following a long struggle with complications from emergency open-heart surgery.

Despite the fact that Kate's entire world was shattered, she didn't give up and decided to write 'Big-Hearted Man' about Charlie's remarkable life, his death and the struggle of coming to terms with life without him. Two years later she wrote 'Death and How to Survive It'.

"Husbands can die in a variety of ways; road accident, heart attack or cancer, but what unites the differing ways a man can die is the impact that it has on his wife," Kate explains.

"You would go mad if the full impact of what had just happened to you was allowed to sink in."

"I'm not a death guru or a philosopher," she writes. "I am just an ordinary woman and I'm going to give it to you straight.

"You can live without your partner - I won't try to tell you that it's going to be easy or quick - but I want to tell all those people who feel that their life is over that there is hope and a future."

However, to begin with, Kate warns there is an overwhelming sense of unreality, of looking down on the unfolding drama but being totally unconnected with what is happening. "Take all of those things, the joy, the laughter, the tearful disputes and the passionate reconciliations, take them all, stick a little black nugget of the grim reaper's best Semtex in the middle and blow them all to smithereens - and when the dust eventually settles, what then?" she asks.

"You are completely numb. You cannot cry. People around you are looking to you, expecting you to break down, but the shock of finally realising that your husband is dead has the effect of cancelling out all the normal emotional responses," Kate explains, adding that this initial response to loss is themind's way of preventing total hysteria. "Your brain might allow you an initial scream, or a bout of wailing, but it will not allow that to continue. You would go mad if the full impact of what had just happened to you was allowed to sink in.

"The body plays a part too; it has been medically proven that the muscles in your chest contract to stop the grief exploding out of you. In my case it felt as though I had a small boulder wedged just beneath my breastbone and although I could cry, I couldn't let go completely. It is a self-preservation measure, which is short-lived, but very effective."

Kate, who lives in Devon with her two daughters, Rosie, aged 11 and Alice, aged 9, says that one of the most important things to understand is that your experience of death is unique, just as your knowledge of your husband was unique. "You knew him better than anybody and you will know when it is the right time to mourn him."

COPING WITH BIRTHDAYS, WEDDINGS AND ANNIVERSARIES:
"The grieving process is a long and difficult journey, and standing out like hurdles on the path to normalcy are all the significant events that you used to celebrate, but which you now want only to forget - but there is no getting away from them," cautions Kate.

Weddings are especially difficult and should be avoided in the first year if at all possible, but birthdays are also very difficult occasions, according to Kate. "You may well wander around the shops, musing on what to buy for your husband's birthday before you realise that he no longer has a birthday.

"Your own birthday will be even more difficult and if you do not have any children, then it will be a very lonely, empty day.

"In any event, you should try to remember that it is only a day, a day like any other and that by building it up into something important will only cause you pain."

However, the anniversary of your husband's death will undoubtedly be one of the most significant hurdles that you will have to face, says Kate. "It may send you spiralling into depression but, if you are like me, then you will see it a milestone on the road to your recovery," she smiles.

"Strangely, I did not feel sad - I felt elated. I knew that I had triumphed on that day and I honestly believed that I could face anything that fate had to throw at me once it was over - I am not suggesting that you will feel the same way, but I do hope that you will feel a certain sense of achievement at surviving the trials of the previous year."

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL:
"I was once told that if I could survive the first year of widowhood, then I could survive anything," says Kate. "But we do survive, and when we look back on our experiences, what have we learned? Well, I think all people who have suffered a catastrophic loss are subsequently gifted with the kind of human insight that most psychiatrists would happily sell their couch for.

"You are able to see what really matters in life; you are able to see people for what they really are; you are able to help others with their problems; you will have learned the true value of friendship, and you will know that the friends that have come with you this far will stay with you for the rest of your life; You will be imbued with great self-belief and stoicism, and you will see other people's petty problems for what they are - inconsequential.

"So go to it. Be happy. Nobody deserves it more than you."

Useful Websites:
2higherground.org.uk
crusebereavementcare.org.uk
lawsociety.org.uk
daisysdream.org.uk
wayfoundation.org.uk
ifishoulddie.co.uk

Death... And How To Survive It:
A Unique, Practical and Uplifting Guide to Coming to Terms with the Loss of Your Partner, by Kate Boydell, is published in paperback by Vermilion, priced £9.99.

For further information please visit Kate Boydell's website at www.merrywidow.me.uk