Going Solo at Christmas

Instead of turning down invitations to events this season, simply because you don't have anyone to go with, take the plunge and hit the party circuit on your own. Emma Pomfret finds out how...

Picture the scene - you walk into a noisy festive gathering on your own, the music stops, everybody turns around to look and your cheeks flush bright red with embarrassment as they all realise you have come on your own! Now of course this is never going to happen, but it has to be said that going to parties on your own can be daunting, particularly when you know that you'll be surrounded by married couples who are perfectly at ease in each other's company.

"You have the experience to know that there is so much more to life than meets the eye, and you have had time to get to know yourself."

"Attending a social gathering alone can be very daunting at any age and, whether you are 25 or 55, you will be dealing with many of the same issues," explains Lynda Field, a trained therapist and psychotherapist. "But remember the advantage of age! You have the experience to know that there is so much more to life than meets the eye, and you have had time to get to know yourself and to accept yourself - warts and all," she smiles.

"Sometimes, in looking at our 'lost youth' we forget the amazing self-awareness that getting older brings. So just remember to keep this in mind as you prepare yourself for partying alone this Christmas."

However, if you are feeling fearful about an upcoming event - whether it be a quiet Christmas dinner party or a full-scale festive work do - Field's number one tip is to simply start changing your attitude. "Take a positive stance, face your fears and do it anyway! Step into the 'can do, can go, can have a great time mode' by letting go of negative thoughts and feelings," she advises. "Look around the room for the unfortunate souls who are looking a bit lost and then make an effort to go up and introduce yourself instead. Try to be assertive in your approach and then be a great listener - people love to talk about themselves - it really is their favourite thing - so all you have to do is to ask them a question and you're off!" And a light-hearted, empathetic style is definitely the best way to go, according to Field. "Move around the room and chat to as many people as possible and before you know it you will be having a great time," she enthuses.

Top ice-breaking tips

CONFIDENCE TRICKS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
"Instead of focusing on differences, think about the similarities you may have with people at the party as a starting point - this way you'll know what to say when you are introduced to people," suggests Zoe Jones, a professional life coach.

"A good idea is to talk about how you know the host, which is also a great conversation opener. Don't forget, if you speak to people they will talk back - this is a party after all - and they are here to enjoy themselves and meet new people too."

Jones also advises having a think about the top three things that others have found really interested about you in the past. "For example, have you recently been on an wonderful trip abroad? Have you just started a painting class? Do you design your own garden?" she suggests. "You don't necessarily have to talk about these things, but just thinking about how fun and interesting you are will boost your confidence and help you to confirm this in your own mind. The chances are that some of these topics will come up naturally in conversation anyway."

REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE ARE MOST INTERESTED IN THEMSELVES
"If you ask them lots of questions about themselves they will think you are a great conversationalist and extremely interesting," laughs Jones.

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER
"Just as you may be envious of the others who have the comfort of a partner by their side, they may be just as envious of you having the freedom to do as you please. You can get ready for the party at your leisure, not to mention not being worried about any gaffs your other half might make," Jones points out.

RELISH THE MOMENT
"The trick is to enjoy having a glass of wine, not having to cook tonight and meeting new people - don't think of this as your one and only chance to find Mr or Ms Right," she counsels.

TAKE A BREATHER
"Have a break after 30 minutes - slip outside into the garden for a breath of fresh air - think of five great things that would never have happened if you had stayed at home alone," says Jones. "Did someone say how well you look? Did you try a new dish or wine? Were you able to go up to a stranger and start a conversation?"

Overcoming awkward social situations

REFUSE TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING THAT WILL SPOIL YOUR ENJOYMENT
"If someone you know will be at the party who is always rude to you, simply say 'I'm not prepared to listen to this.' "Have a smile on your face when you say it and then simply walk away and talk to someone more interesting," recommends Jones.

DO MORE OF WHAT YOU ENJOY
"Think about what you enjoy about parties and do more of it at this one, such as dancing or helping out with the food preparation." If you look like you are happy and enjoying yourself, you will seem instantly appealing and interesting to everyone else, according to Jones.

THINK OF THE WORST CASE SCENARIO
"Could your ex be there? Could your awful neighbour insist on kissing you under the mistletoe?" she asks. "Now think about how that could be managed and remember that your opinions, body and space is valid, worthwhile and important - if someone is encroaching on that, stop them!

"Think of someone who could manage it - someone you know or a famous no-nonsense person like Joan Collins or Donald Trump - and believe that you can do the same."

INTERNAL DIALOGUE IS INCREDIBLY INFLUENTIAL
"If you are telling yourself not to make a fool of yourself, or reminding yourself how things went wrong at the last party, or pointing out how useless you are, that little voice inside may well be contributing to your problem," warns Jones.

"Think about what you would say to someone else in the same situation if you wanted to encourage them, and you'll soon see how much better it feels to hear that kind of voice instead!"

Instant life Coach: 200 Brilliant Ways to Be Your Best and Weekend Confidence Coach: How To Kick The Self-doubt Habit In 48 Hours, both by Lynda Field, are published by Vermilion, priced £8.99. For further help and advice email Life Coach Zoe Jones (left) at zoe@life-style.uk.com or call 020 7371 8520.