When Children Go Off The Rails

When your kids drop out of college or university, can't seem to settle down and find a job and more seriously develop alcohol or drug problems it's hard to know where to turn as a parent. Ed Reed meets one youngster whose life fell apart in his gap year...

Let's face it: life has always been pretty tough down the generations. But it seems things are becoming a whole load more difficult for young people today. There's growing evidence that our younger generation are increasingly struggling to cope with the transition into adulthood, given the pressures now on them to succeed in education and work as quickly as possible.

With university drop-out rates on the rise and more and more students reporting feelings of anxiety and depression, it seems a person's early 20s are not the fun period of life they should be. Many teenagers go through difficult 'phases' and many school and college leavers struggle to find work, to get a home and to begin to make their own way in the world. But sometimes problems can spiral out of control, particularly when you add in the temptations available for those who are struggling to fit in, in particular drink and drugs.

And when older children start behaving badly, but then go dramatically and rapidly off the rails, parents can fail to act quickly enough or understand just how serious a situation has become.

James's* life story shows just how chaotic a life full of promise can turn out. Still only 25, he spent years battling addictions to drugs, alcohol and gambling. The gifted student took a fateful visit to Paraguay during a gap year in 1999. "South America's not the place to go if you've got a problem with substances," he says with a rueful smile.

A rebellious child, James became involved in gambling and alcohol while still at school. But it was during the three-month stay in Paraguay before heading to Durham University that his compulsions truly spiralled out of control and he developed an addiction to cocaine.

Down the years, James has wracked up and paid off huge credit card bills with dizzying speed to feed his addictions - before starting the cycle again. His adult life has been a litany of drug and alcohol binges, gambling sprees and suicide attempts as well as stays in psychiatric hospitals. Now, he is fighting to get his life back on track.

This is every parent's nightmare, particularly when you realise that perhaps the most surprising thing about James's story is his background. He comes from a model home. His father is a vicar and his mother a teacher. Although a teenager who completed as little schoolwork as possible, he flew through his GCSEs and A-Levels to win a place at one of England's most prestigious universities. By then, drinking and gambling on fruit machines had become a feature of his late teenage years as a way of blocking out thoughts and feelings.

"The root problem has always been expressed through drink and drug use. I came back with the attitude that every drug was OK. I came back and I was a changed man."

"The root problem has always been expressed through drink and drug use," he explains. South America was where, as James says, he "crossed the line of no return". He explains: "I came back with the attitude that every drug was OK. I came back and I was a changed man."

By now, he had grown increasingly distant from his parents. Both were very busy with their jobs and had not noticed the warning signs, he claims. Their son had also become a master of presenting himself as a happy-go-lucky and ostensibly successful youngster. "I am sure their intention was always to support me but they probably didn't know how to. There was no animosity. They were proud of me going to Durham." Studying there, however, was almost incidental to his desperate new lifestyle. "I went to Durham thinking I had discovered the meaning of life which was to go out, get drunk and take 'E' [ecstasy]. I was just going there totally chaotic to get drunk - and frankly that's not altogether against the fresher ethos." Returning home for the summer after his first year, he was spending £300 on gambling nights. "Although I was out of control, I was in control. I was destroying my life in a very controlled way."

By the summer of 2003, he was having suicidal thoughts. He returned to Durham where he spent his student loan in a week. "I went up to Durham to drop out." His parents and family friends tried to help him and encouraged him to spend time at a religious retreat to try to change his ways. The attempt failed and he continued to spend up to £300 every day on his addictions.

Then in March last year, his selfdestructive path culminated with an overdose of 150 paracetamol tablets. He has no idea how he survived but said that in hospital afterwards he had time to reflect. "I had a reason for being around. Some people have a time to go and some people don't. I remember two days later my parents came in to visit me and I saw they did love me. "There was a kind of reconciliation between me and my dad. I understood they did love me and did want me."

James is now working through the final stages of an Alcoholics Anonymous programme. He says: "I didn't really believe I was an alcoholic. Deep down I thought I had more complex issues, which, of course, I did, but so do all alcoholics. People don't drink because they are happy well-adjusted people." That suicide attempt and his parents' reaction, he says, was the wake-up call he needed to try and get better. Having been in psychotherapy for a year, he is now looking forward to a brighter future. He is re-taking some A-Levels and hopes to study medicine.

His story may be exceptional but does reflect a common trend. Many parents take away all emotional or practical support in their child's late teens, thinking it best for a son or daughter to solve his or her own problems and learn to live independently.

Cambridge academic Terri Apter describes young people aged between 18 and 24 as 'thresholders'. She draws a link between the growing isolation of young people and steadily rising rates of suicide, eating disorders, alcoholism and drug use in that age group. Student life has always been full of stress and is becoming more so - particularly because of the questions around how to fund courses. A survey of 1,620 second year students at Leicester University found that 23 per cent reported anxiety, phobias and panic attacks while 40 per cent experienced sadness, depression or mood changes. Apter explains: "Many thresholders have difficulty regulating their moods and organising their time when they go to university. They are so accustomed to tight school and home schedules that the relative discretion over their schedules at university can be confusing."

James's case may be extreme, she says, but does reveal how illegal drugs are being used by students to lift their mood, or help them forget about their problems. "Drugs are often used to self-medicate: the loneliness and the excitement become so stressful that they treat themselves with things like E." She adds: "The most reassuring thing I can say is that most thresholders just need emotional and practical support from parents and patience when they go into spins of selfdoubt or decision paralysis."

Warning signs like excessive drinking should not be ignored, says Apter - nor should parents turn a blind eye if they know their children are taking drugs. "Drug use and alcohol abuse are dangerous and should not be supposed to be minor symptoms, or behaviour that one simply grows out of. These abuses lead to severe problems of a different order."

The child mental health charity Young Minds has set up the SOS (Stressed Out and Struggling) project to encourage debate as to why the move into adulthood is becoming so much more difficult. Kathryn Pugh is a Young Minds spokeswoman. She draws a mountaineering analogy: "It's like having your children on a rope. You let them out and let the rope down and as they get older they don't want to know the rope is there. You're ready to quickly reel it in and sometimes you reel it in too quickly and at others you realise you should have reeled it in quicker."

If you're a parent who would like some more information, or if you have been affected by the issues raised in this story, you may find the following contacts useful:
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk or 0845 769 7555
www.youngminds.org.uk or 0800 018 2138
www.talktofrank.com or 0800 77 66 00 (advice on drug issues for parents and children)