When I'm Sixty-Five

While a young John Lennon revelled in the excesses of a rock 'n' roll lifestyle, his doting wife Cynthia was left at home holding the baby, as her new book reveals. Interview by Hannah Stephenson.

Cynthia Lennon was one of the great rock chicks of the 60s, famously dumped by her husband, John, who went off with Yoko Ono, leaving her broken-hearted. She, along with the rest of John Lennon's family in Liverpool, became anonymous, non-existent, or as she has put it on many occasions, "airbrushed out" of his life.

John's assassination outside the Dakota building in New York on December 9, 1980 by Mark Chapman left the Modern and Mature generation reeling. His family back home, including his son Julian, then 17, were devastated. There was no funeral or memorial service. Yoko organised an early cremation. "We've never been able to say goodbye to John, which has always grieved me," says Cynthia.

But as the 25th anniversary of his death approaches, Cynthia has not disappeared. Some 37 years after their divorce, the 65-year-old has penned John, a memoir of her life with the Beatles star, from their early romance to the heady days when the group made the big time and later John's descent into drugs, the breakdown of their marriage and his relationship with Yoko, as well as the effect his actions had on their son, Julian.

"We've never been able to say goodbye to John, which has always grieved me."

To any onlooker, John Lennon treated his first wife appallingly towards the end of their marriage. He became distant, cruel and intolerant of the woman who he had met 10 years previously at Liverpool College of Art. But even early on in their relationship, he could be cold, distant and his acerbic wit would often become aggressive and humiliating. On one occasion he hit Cynthia in a jealous rage. Conversely, he couldn't bear confrontation and would often lie his way out of situations to avoid arguments.

John and Cynthia had fallen in love almost immediately when they met at college. When she accidentally became pregnant, they married soon afterwards and, while Cynthia acknowledges that neither of them was ready for marriage, they were still deeply in love. "Accounts of our wedding have often portrayed it as a miserable last-minute shotgun affair that John was virtually forced into. It's a long, long way from the truth. We were very happy and John was the most determined that it would go ahead."

Cracks started to appear when Cynthia was left at home holding the baby while the Beatles started touring and enjoying the excesses of rock star life, including girls who were more than willing to jump into bed with them. Cynthia learned later of John's infidelities - and forgave him for them - but it wasn't until he went to an exhibition by Japanese artist Yoko Ono that her world would be threatened. "I didn't know then that Yoko was beginning a determined pursuit of John." She continues: "It's all down to luck and timing. She had luck and it was the timing. He was probably at his most vulnerable because [the Beatles] had stopped working together on the full-time basis so their strength of unity was dissipating. He felt in a void, fuelled by LSD and marijuana."

All Cynthia wanted was a stable family life but John had started taking an interest in meditation and surrealism, peace rallies - and Yoko Ono. It wasn't until Cynthia returned from a holiday with friends that her world was shattered. She walked into the family mansion in Weybridge, Surrey, to find John and Yoko sitting cross-legged in the "sunroom" dressed only in towelling robes. "John was facing me. He looked at me, expressionless, and said, 'Oh, hi'. Yoko didn't turn round. I blurted out the only thing I could think of, 'We were all looking forward to dinner in London after lunch in Rome and breakfast in Greece. Would you like to come?'. 'No thanks,' said John. The stupidity of that question has haunted me ever since.

"There was no way I could have got through to either of them. It was too intense. They had become so involved. Nothing was going to prise them apart. He would defend her to the death."

"He was probably at his most vulnerable because the Beatles had stopped working together on the full-time basis so their strength of unity was dissipating."

One of the main reasons she has written the book, she says, is to show her son Julian that his father did love him and to remove some of the demons that have haunted her son over the father who deserted them when he was just five. Cynthia now lives in Majorca with Julian just down the road. They are incredibly close and, after years of torment, he is back in the recording studio working on an album. She has made her money in property development and the restaurant business, although she puts some of her success down to luck. And she still remembers the good sides to John Lennon. "I see a human being that touched millions, touched me and my son in so many ways. I can't take away his humour and his talent from the bad times. I try to balance the whole feeling.

"I don't miss him, but I miss the fact that we couldn't come to terms, grow old and been mates. I miss not finishing that unfinished business."

John by Cynthia Lennon, is published by Hodder &s; Stoughton, priced £20. Out now.